Yesterday I attended my first belly dancing class as an attempt to reconnect to my divine feminine. It’s time. I have always admired dance, and always rejected it in my own body. This is a somewhat vulnerable post, but I know my path in this lifetime is to share my experiences through words that will resonate with others.
I feel as a Taurus I naturally live in my masculine, a bit of a brute.
However; I’ve realized through recent shadow work that I have been rejecting my creative center, my womb space, my shakti, nearly my entire life which has resulted in years of significant chronic pain and anger.
I knew from a very young age that I do not want to have children in this lifetime. For some reason that matter of fact choice brought and continues to bring in many opinions from many people about why I should reconsider. These opinions created a rage within me and I began to reject everything about my womb space as an act of self control and defiance.
My horse Bro was my first taste of cultivating and allowing mothering energy to flow through me. He was scared, traumatized, painful, and I wanted him to know his safety and his magnificence. I knew nothing but deep unexplainable love for him. So I mothered him… with all the love I could possibly conjure up. I became the most vulnerable version of myself with him, and then he died.
When he died, my shakti died too. All of my physical pain returned, all of my anger returned, all of my intrusive thoughts that I thought were healed slapped me in the face.
I wasn’t sure when I would allow that part of me to open up again, then Fern chose me. A sweet, innocent, three year old filly, fresh little soul, and I felt it again… that desire to protect her, to help her see the magnificent being that she is, that mom in me.
As I drove home from my dance class I thought of her, and I thought of the lesson she’s helping me through right now, “You are not an incomplete woman because you haven’t created life, that life force IS you.”
For reasons beyond what I will explain in this writing, I have had many women placed into my life, and who continue to be placed in my life with fertility issues. Women who have shut down and rejected their wombs and creative centers. Women in my lineage who have had their wombs removed. Women who have lost their sense of power and self.
I believe when you heal yourself others around you allow themselves to heal through your light. I’ve decided it’s time I hold the light, and take the first steps for myself and any woman who has been rejecting her creative life giving power for any reason. I see you, I extend my heart to you. You are whole and complete as you are.