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Conversations With Biggie

Part One: The Questions, ft Biggie

I have to work so hard to find a connection with you. I wish it was easier. I know that’s dumb of me to say but that’s my confession.


I feel like I’m always searching for the answers that I can’t find. I feel like I’m always moving through one area of tension or one area of disconnect to get a small feel of ease. Sometimes I feel like I’m pouring my heart and soul into the connection and then I watch you walk away… Why?


“Because you asked for this.”


I asked for what?


“To understand what it’s like to be in my experience. To be me. To feel the way I feel. You wanted to understand it from my perspective so here we are…. And I don’t just speak for me, I speak for all of the horses.”


Part 2: Conversations With Biggie

It’s funny, I always wanted an animal named Biggie… didn’t quite know what that would entail 😂

“It’s OK to want what you want, just as much as it’s OK for me to want what I want. Where it gets messed up is when you think what I want and what you want are the same.”


Don’t we both want fun? And connection? And adventure?


“Yes. But your idea of fun and my idea of fun are two different things.”


(Me questioning where to go from here)


“It’s ok though, as long as you’re honest with me. When you are honest I understand what you want and you understand what I want and we can find a middle ground to play together… we can both agree to disagree or not.

It is when you start to answer the questions for me that causes me to distance myself.”


Part 3: Conversations With Biggie

Sometimes I don’t know where to go from here.


“It’s because I hold you accountable”


I know. I understand that you’re helping me learn the lessons in entitlement from the horse collective so that I can speak more about it to others.


“That. I also just will not allow you to abandon yourself just as you are asking me to be with my body.”


Me thinking of ways I’ve abandoned myself in the past:

Trying to soften the tight muscle in my leg over and over again without going back to identify the root cause.

Pushing forward through anxiety.

Saying yes when I wanted to say no.

Saying no to my horses when I wanted to say yes.

… Biggie sat with me while I thought about all of this…


“Sure, that’s a good start.”


Part 4: Conversations With Biggie

“I think you need to discern between worthiness of something and entitlement, you’re getting them a little intertwined.”


(Thinking)


“When you ask something of me, you are ‘worthy’ of asking it. You can ask me anything all day long. It’s when you get attached to the deserving of the answer that things get tricky. Especially if you get attached to a certain outcome.”


I appreciate that you’ve been teaching me that I am not entitled to your emotional state or the way your body moves. I didn’t realize that there was so much subtle entitlement intertwined in my asking.


“You didn’t realize that because you had abandoned yourself for quite some time… and bent to others feeling entitled to you.”


Here’s to walking forward together in more integrity


Part 5: Conversations With Biggie

What does riding without entitlement look like?


“That is the question isn’t it?”


“What is a conversation without entitlement? It’s like that, but with more moving parts.”

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