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Saying Farewell

I knew I wouldn’t feel loss.

I knew I wouldn’t feel guilt.

I knew I wouldn’t feel lack.

Yet when the end of his physical time with me came and I didn’t, I tried to convince myself I did.

As he took his last breath, peace filled the air.

I walked into the barn the next morning expecting to feel empty. I told myself I should.

I cleaned his stall expecting to feel sorrow, and I told myself I should.

Yet I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t feel “loss” anywhere in my being. Sadness yes, loss.. I don’t know.. it’s not there.

The biggest gift animals have given me is a deep understanding of eternal energy. A knowing of where our souls go, to an extent, and the ability to see their pure positive energy on the other side.

I cried when I danced with him for the last time, only to dance with him in my dreams the following night. Very much alive. Very much connected to every part of my being. Whole. One. Complete.

It’s interesting, as I read comments on my social media that express sorrow for my ‘loss,’ because I don’t feel that I’ve lost anything. I know that might sound crazy, but his soul leaving his physical body didn’t feel like a loss to me. It didn’t feel like a loss to him either. 

Bro was fixated on the world around him, knowing he didn’t have the means to protect himself against predators, knowing that his body was unsafe to live in, yet he brought a sense of community to our home and to us, and he was a guardian. He’d walk through fire if I asked him to, he looked out for everyone around him. He was brave, this condition caused him to be something he was not. Setting him free of those chains felt like a big fat win to me, and he agreed.

I think the reason I feel sad is not because of loss, or guilt, or lack in my experience… it’s because I think of the people around me, my clients, friends, those I’ve helped and continue to help on a daily basis find closure, yet who won’t allow themselves to know this eternal love. Who experience lack because others tell them they should, or because their grief is so strong they can’t see the energy that lives on. I’m sad for those who are grieving the loss of their animals who truly believe they are lost.

I asked him to send me a sign when he was ready, “something blue,” he said. So vague.. haha

Later that day my husband and I were finishing our chores. We hung Bro’s halter with Dover’s on the tree above his grave, propped a bottle of his favorite whiskey on his headstone, said our final tributes to his body that carried his brave and complex soul, and we hopped in the golf cart and headed out to do another task.

We drove all the way up the half a mile long driveway, and as we stopped I happened to look over at Justin, and there was a blue lizard stuck to his upper leg. Just staring at us, unafraid… on a mission to deliver a message.

Hello, I’m here, I’m not afraid. I’m with you… and wouldn’t you know, I’m something blue.

And off he went.


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